hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
