I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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