dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
