Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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