please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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