Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
