we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize