I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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