If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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