i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
