i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
