Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
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