My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
