I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
