just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
