I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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