i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
