Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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