He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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