youre lurking in front of me
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize