Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
