She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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