you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
