When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
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