my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
