I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
