she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
