guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I'm both gender and math confused
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
