No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
