It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
