Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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