I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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