I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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