Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize
