the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
