i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
