hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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