Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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