i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
