a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
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