i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
