my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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