Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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