I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
