Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
