if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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