You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize