i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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