But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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