True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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