shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Do you have feelings for this penis?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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