Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Randomize
