I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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