fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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